ONE

Bebe Bird 12 days old-a newborn

For the first time in a long time I held a newborn. Her chubby hands grasped my finger tightly. Her pink skin shaded from the bright sun was soft & smooth & her smell so fresh & new. I bend down with the infant to show Bebe Bird. "You were little like this once." I say as  he glances over unimpressed. I remind myself of that fact that yes, yes indeed he was little like this once.  His big brown eyes so curious about this new world he had entered into.  I begin searching my memory bank for the days when I could only carry Bebe Bird from room to room as he slept soundly in the curve of my arms & his head rested against my chest happy & content.  I scan my mind for snapshots of Bebe Bird from a toddler, to a baby, then an infant, and back even further to a newborn.  His toothless smile, his chubby legs & the folds on his thighs that rolled onto themselves over & over again. I recall the way he'd lay in his basinet next to our bed.  I look into my minds file for his sweet newborn smell and the scent of breast milk that lingered on his breath after a feeding as we both fell back into a slumber in the wee hours of the morning moments before the dark was greeted by the light and life outside our nest began again. I hand the newborn back to her mother & smile.  Could I do that again I ask myself. Do we want to?   

Home from the Hospital 2011

When I first told W's fashion director, my boss at the time, that I was pregnant with Bebe Bird her first response was "Congratulations! Now, when you have the second try and have them close in age.  Don't wait too long otherwise they won't play together."  I laughed out loud "Slow down.  A Second?!?!" I said.  "I need to make sure we can handle one before we can even think about 2."  Our plan was we had no plan.  I'm a follow your instincts kind of mama.  Then one cool & snowy New York morning Bebe Bird was born.  And it was wonderful-truly a heart filling kind of wonder filled my every pore.  I would explain to my friends, who would question what becoming a parent felt like- "Having a child,-for me" I'd say "is like having my entire being be filled with great joy. So much so that I feel my heart will explode & confetti will come out!"  I was on a happiness high for the first year of Bebe Birds life.  At the time I couldn't imagine trying for another.  I wanted to soak Bebe Bird in without adding stress a new one would surely bring. Then the crash happened between Papa & I. Our world & our life together became messy.  The mess that scattered left little room for another baby.  Truthfully, there was barely any room for us.  Then time came & went & there was guidance from our therapists & hard work, the head down, keep going kind of hard work, there was great endurance too & Papa & I carefully began picking up the pieces-diligently navigating through our imperfect lives & our imperfect "we" while discovering that there can be power & beauty amongst the imperfection. More time passed, and gently healed us little by little, & continues to do so.  In that time our joy of parenting was steadfast & Bebe Bird grew from a fun chubby baby into a curious, life loving toddler.  

3 years old

Now, here we are and here he is, 3 years old.  The question lingers "Are we going to have another?". People will often ask us this question while looking at my stomach for evidence of a new baby bump.  "Make a decision & be happy with it" my mother, an only child & parent of 5,  will say when I confide in her.  Make a decision & be happy with it!  Aww yes, be happy with it!  That's tricky beecause I question myself: Will I regret not having another when Bebe Bird is 10, 20, or 30 ? Will he regret it?  Will he have wished we tried? Will we? Are our reasons for just wanting one selfish?  So many questions I want answered before I reach the "be happy with it".  As a parent you always want to do the right thing.  But as is true in life most things don't come with a manual & trying to figure out what's right for you & your family can be a journey in itself. 

During one windy afternoon recently I sat in my kitchen, sipping hot tea with milk & honey.  I look around as Bebe Bird is playing peacefully testing his new wooden drums  I briefly pause & check in with my heart. It's happy.  I feel grateful for the one I have. I'm sure I'd feel grateful with a 2nd if he/she were to ever to join our crew.  But for now at this moment I am happy & for now at this moment that's all I can really ask for.  Joy & Courage.