A letter to the North Pole

December  7, 2014

Dear Santa,

How are you doing Santa? I love you so much!  Be careful on your flight. You're not suppose to fall. I wish you can be happy & share Christmas with everybody.  I need to see you by Christmas day.  Your first name is St. Nicholas.  I "post" you.  I "post" you means I love you so much. I wish you can come to our house and put presents under our tree. We will say "thank you!". I don't want you to fall down and please make magic in my heart…oh, and wait Santa, I "post" you.  Remember, post means I love you & goodbye.

Love,

Rocco

PS: How are you doing? Good or bad? Tell me if you're good or if you're bad. Love, Santa.  And I wish you could have come to my house on Halloween. I love you so much. I don't hate you.  Ok?!?!

Eskimo Kisses

Bebe Bird at 4 months old 

I must be an old soul, I think to myself as Bebe Bird rests his hand in mine.  There's a million things I could be doing right now, but here I lay.  The clock ticks slowly.  I wonder when sleep will catch up to him.  Moment's before, he was up twisting and turning trying to get comfortable.  I had sighed. "Shhh, relax," I said in a whisper, "Lay still."  He’s bold, so he asks, "Can Dada massage my feet? I've been walking all day."  He gets up then moves to the foot of the bed.  He wants me to move with him.  Sigh. "Say Wittle Mouse …" he asks.  I move next to him & begin thinking of those million things- tiiiiiick toooock echoes the clock.  Time passes. He turns to me, then, smiles.  His eyes happy.  The shadow of his features are highlighted by street lamp outside when he lifts his head and rubs his nose to mine.  He smiles bigger.  I smile & say a silent thank you.  My heart bursts.  He turns away and I kiss his soft hair.  He finally falls to sleep.

It is than that I rediscover the value of times like these, of moments like that.   I am aware that he won't be little forever.  He won’t ask for me to sit and hold his hand as he falls asleep.  I can't even remember the last time I picked him up at free will. He's almost four.  There is a vault in my mind where I store such fleeting moments.  Moments, of him playing in his room with his trains.  Moments when the warmth of three of us lay in bed together my feet touching Papas. One day, I hope, my boy will go off into the world & that his wings be big, bold & beautiful. My wish is that those wings allow him to soar-making a life of his own with the same zest and joy for living that he possesses today.  And when that time comes I hope to retrieve the memories I have stored safely in my my minds vault of the ‘whens’- Like the time in January of 20l1, when we brought him home from the hospital.  Our house was quiet, guests had left and the winter sky was dark. It was bedtime. We gently placed our newborn into the bassinet next to our bed.  I remember I kept waking to peak at this sleeping child, amazed that he would be taking residence here for a long, long time.  Or the time when he was 4 months old and I held him for an entire nap instead of putting him in his crib, like friends suggested,  because I could, and because he wanted me to.  I was suppose to have been at work that day, but had recently taken that leap of faith to be home with him.  I remember saying that silent thank you as he slept in the crook of my arms.   At that moment there was nowhere in the world I wanted to be.  My vault holds memories of Bebe Bird & his best friends, running carefree in the open field of Prospect Park.  Or when he sees his cousins and his eyes light up and they start screeching their Peter Pan call in a language only they can translate. Inside my vault I’ll find quiet moments of a little boy playing with his superhero's, lost in his own imagination or running rambunctiously across the bed, through the living room into the kitchen tapping my hips yelling “tag, you’re it.” and run off...faster than a speeding bullet.  My vault treasures the moments before bed when he and Papa sit together reading bedtime stories, when Bebe Bird puts on “reading jammies” than changes into "sleeping jammies" just before bed.  My vault holds dear those early morning moments, before sunrise when he hops out of bed to cuddle with the cat on the couch then scampers into our room to peek outside & monitor the suns progress. If the sun is up than it’s our que to emerge from the comforts of our slumber to join the dawn of a new day.  Blurry eyed & tired I still remember to savor these moments of "when", for they will be some of my lifes greatest treasures. 

A boy & his cousin

Playing quietly with his cat

A little boy napping

As the responsibilities of our day to day distract me, as it often does, from capturing these moments I need to remind myself to prevent the 'sighs from leaving my breath-emails can wait, the internet can wait, the dishes can wait. As Ferris Bueller once said "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile you could miss it."  So, I hug him once more to soak him all in.  And lock up my favorite keepsakes of his childhood.    

'Tis the Seasons

It was sometime in middle of the summer season that I decided to take a two week hiatus from writing-a little vacation, if you will.  In early July I interviewed the lovely mamas and creators of Bitsy's Brain Food.  I had hoped to have their post up and ready for September, just in time for the new school year where lunches were being packed and snacks put together in snazzy ways.  Then, my computer died, the phone drowned and the blue skies summoned us out west for a quick getaway with family & with friend's.  I was unplugged & life went on.  Summer passed and autumn came, summoning Bebe Bird back into nursery school and I into the gym (because truthfully, I really want to wear my old jeans again…) As leaves fell, my little Bird grew.  His jammies became shorter & his limbs longer.  A Bebe he is not. He is teetering between two universes-toddlerhood & boyhood.  A part of me wants to get down on my knees and cry out to the heavens "Nooo!" and the other part, the part I hope he sees, wants to celebrate this new independence, to give him the space he needs to discover his world with the joyeux de vivre.  It was in the Autumn that he started requesting I stop picking him up and perhaps refrain from hugging or kissing him on the playground, especially if he is with his friends or big kids are nearby.  Naps in our nest have also begun to depart, taking with it some of my sanity.  Before I became a Mama, I used to think of myself as easy going and carefree.  I  loved the carefree part.  None of it is true, however.  Quite the contrary, most likely (especially if you were to ask Papa).  It's funny sometimes how we think of ourselves as being one way.  I am learning, since I've entered Mamahood, that I thrive on routine.  I like to know what will happen next and to have a plan for my day's & week's ahead.  I loved knowing that Bebe Bird would nap around 1pm, perhaps 2pm for a 2 hour stretch where I would settle into the leather couch at the local coffee shop sip on a cappuccino while writing.  Strangers would come in and comment…"You're so lucky he sleeps for so long." or "I don't think, I've ever seen him awake." another girl often said to me & to her friends "Coffee will have the opposite affect on him when he grows up.  It will put him to sleep rather than wake him up."  And, oh, the local coffee shop! Our next door neighbor is the owner and Bebe Bird is on first name basis with him & all employees (old & new).  When he would see the owner of our little establishment working in his garden in the backyard it is as if spotting a celebrity. "Look, there he is Mama!" he calls out  "There he is!"  Now, our nights are shorter & our Brooklyn neighborhood is greeted by darkness around 4:30pm.  We are home.  Dinner being prepared.  Sleep in the evening has become a welcomed visitor since naps are not invited into our afternoons anymore. His big brown eyes grow heavy & are shut tight by 7:30pm not to awake until 7am.  This part , the part where sleep isn't such a struggle anymore, is a awesome, yet, I often find myself falling asleep & joining him in his slumber as he requests I sit and hold his tiny soft hands.  I  remind myself that this time won't be forever.  Now, we have entered into the holiday season where there are tree lightings and Santa sightings. We hope to  use this time to deeper instill into Bebe Bird the importance of giving & gratitude. December also happens to be the month that celebrates the season of winter, December 21, winter solstice, the shortest day of the year.  And, it will be during this time where winter will settle in & stay awhile when we will celebrate a new year of new adventures welcoming the changing of seasons that surely await us.  #joy&courage.